Post Birthday Post

(Don't let that confuse you.)

RANDOM THROWBACK (16th birthday)

I'm twenty.

And I'm still a--

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Hey lovers!

(response)

Last Saturday I celebrated my 20th birthday. And yes, I won't lie, I did cry on that day. I'm not gonna tell you why but instead let me share to you my journal entry 40 days before the 29th of August where I found myself sick in bed and eating nothing but taffy and how my mind wanders to places that doesn't make sense at all:

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I may be a zombie but I'm a pretty zombie. They called me from the hours of one until ten thinking that I still had the energy to fight them. I fought back most of the times but I tend to make sure that  I don't have time to worry about things that doesn't really matter. Because none of the things I did really mattered. I clean the sink, I eat the peas and I answer the questions but I still felt useless. Sometimes I feel like I might have the tendency to sacrifice more than I should. Especially when they give me ridiculous requests like how they told me to balance the beam in the quick sand. I couldn't balance it because, duhh? It was quicksand. I nearly died in there. But no, they said it can happen. They kept telling me that. Again and again until I've finally seen the light. And I'm not expecting them to care. They won't care anyway even if I tell them to. 

Huh. It's funny how 'They Don't Care About Us' by Michael Jackson started playing after I wrote that sentence. The songs on my phone are on shuffle and sometimes I think they dictate my state of mind. Like that one time Gaga's song played and her voice said: "I'm not a wandering slave, I am a woman of choice." I wish I was as strong as Gaga. I wish I was as strong as the people I look up to. I wish I was as strong as this taffy that I'm eating, its so hard I might ruin my teeth. I wish I was as strong as my customer the other day: I knew he broke up with his girlfriend but he was good enough to mask it. So, I put him on hold for no reason because I knew he begged for me to shut up. You know, the reason why they put you on hold for too long is for you to reflect on your darn life; your accomplishments, your mistakes, your problems and your dreams. It's like the universe is giving you a chance to pause and to look at everything you did until the effin' person comes back to you and your present realm forms again. You pause and you might think that you wish things can be erased but it you know it can't be.  

Burado. Sigurado. Sadyang may mga bagay kasing hindi dapat makalimutan. Like, how stupid I was on to order pizza when the lasagna was cheaper or how painful it was to lose the love of my life. But like what I said, you can't undo things. You can only ask. Or pray that what you did or what you felt have some sort of meaning in this life. If I only knew the answer, I wouldn't be bothering  God. I'd leave him alone. We'd leave him alone.

I miss the days when we were all friends. I miss how the people on Earth were still helping one another and selfishness was a sin. Now, being selfish is a necessity to survive. We're selfish about the food we eat, the time we spend and the things we do. I mean, I'm selfish. I'm selfish about the moment. I want to own every moment of life. I want to be remembered. That's why even if I don't get enough sleep, I'd make sure I'd own the moment. I guess that's one of my worst mistakes. I forget to sleep and slow down. Lack of sleep will eventually vent out bad things. All you can think about is time. Every minute and every second feels like a decade. Then people pressure you with deadlines. They pressure you with presence. You start making promises you may not even mean. You slowly fade. You become unaware of everything. And you think everyone exists to ruin you. Like they're all watching you to maybe slip and die on the quicksand.

I'm desperate. Holy sh-. I'm screaming 'help me' silently and expecting people to hear me. I go crazy 'cause this place isn't where I want to be. I hear my friend's voice saying "Please stop crying." I keep telling her I'm fine but I guess she knows I'm not because she makes an effort of talking to me even though I feel like she doesn't want to. She might be tired of me and my drama and we both know that we don't have much choice now, do we? 

I talk about boys and how I never really understood them. Like they're all spells, you know? And how you need to decode the spells. I think boys beg to be decoded and I was one awesome girl to this one awesome guy. I figured him out. Hey. He should be proud he dated a witch. Some guts. Yet I knew deep down he felt like it was useless still because maybe he was scared of me. I mean, he should be; I listen to The Beatles. The band knew shit was real before shit got real. They were poetic as hell and they made me look at life like it was a song. Y'know, they used to burn people like me. People who made things possible, people who imagined too much and people who had a lot of things to say. They just don't trust what they can't explain.

Like Batman. He's creepy but I like him. If I could ask one person for life advice I'd might choose Batman because he's direct and he leaves people hanging. Speaking of Batman, I should stop writing and watch Batman.

Laters.

***

I wanna say thanks to the people who celebrated my birthday with me: to the guy in 7/11 who gave me free chocolates, to my seatmate on the bus who rejoiced with me with pizza chips, to my family and my friends who were always there when I was stuck in the quicksand and to the whole universe for bringing me sweets and shit everyday. 

I will never grow tired of it.

Thank you so much and keep spreading the..


LOVE,