I'm Not Sure

'Hmm. Which mask should I wear today?'

According to Facebook, I'm a really happy person.

I live a happy life.
I have happy friends.
I have a happy family.
I think happy thoughts.

That's the person Facebook entails. That's the person you know.


Most of my love ones don't know how many times I've actually tried to killed myself. And here I am, wondering: why haven't I done it yet? Completely. Why can't I end my life? Why am I still suffering and sacrificing all this shitty things? 

Well to tell you the truth, I don't know.

I have recurring dreams where I'm in a car incident or when I'm drowning. I find myself crying whenever I wake up because I look at my brother and sister in deep slumber. 

I love them so much and they don't know how much I do.

'They don't know...'

What if we know things that we never expected?
Like, if you knew I was absent because I never slept and I was doing my project at school, would you still fire me?

If you knew how much I think of you everyday, would you still smile at me?

If you knew how many times I looked stupid just to buy your birthday cake, would you still think I'm the worst sister ever?

If you knew how much I cry each night when I found out you spent half of your day with her than me, would you have spent more time with me?

If you knew I hate One Direction, would you even still be friends with me?

If you knew I lied to my dad so that I can go out with you, would you have planned a much better date that night?

If you knew I was planning to come back to you, would you still choose to be in the seminary?

If you knew I called you 'Ma' mistakenly because I miss my dead mother. would you still make fun of me?

If you knew I knew you were lying, would you have told the truth?

If you knew how much I still love you, would you still loan my heart?

If you knew how much I tried to kill myself, would you still think I'm happy?

Maybe you will.
Maybe you won't.

Maybe you'd do the same thing.
Maybe you'd do something else.

Maybe do something better.
Maybe do something worse.



All the sad songs you can think of.


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