Swordfights and Heartaches

"I choose to love you."
"Really? You're giving me another chance? We're getting back together?"
"No. I just love you."

If you knew the whole story, this dialogue would have been a little bit tear-jerking if you ask me. 

But I'm not here to tell you about my love life.



My name is Kyla. And today I will be showing the side of me where I don't particularly share to other people.

I am broken. 

Figuratively speaking, I've been stitching every part of myself for the past few years. My grandfather died the day I realized how lucky I am to have him. When I was ready to tell him how much I love him, I saw a blur line that took his breath away. Everything in me started to fall apart after that. 

I've been a victim of bullying when I was in grade school. It wasn't the physical kind of bullying, it was more mental and emotional thing but trust me it hurts half as much as getting bruised. I never learned to fight back. 

I have moments laughing and smiling but deep down I know that I don't actually mean it. I just want to act like I do because I'm afraid I won't feel it anymore. I've learned to gamble my actions. And what's odd is that sometimes cheat by letting other people win because seeing them happy makes me happy. 

I learned to prioritize other people's emotions even if it meant getting hurt, being played or embarrassing myself in front of everybody else. I know how crazy that is but I do it anyway.

Later on, my mom was diagnosed with kidney failure. Seeing her suffer every day was heartbreaking. Looking at my father faking a smile and telling me that everything is fine was hurting. But I had to be strong because I should be and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. At the same time I became so weak that I there were times where I didn't know what to do. I'd just stare at them and do nothing. Do you know how agonizing that is? To wish that you could somehow lessen the pain but you can't. 

I go to school with this thick joyful mask on my face and I hate it because I'm lying to everyone and they always buy it. I've become a great actress and I was so good that I can even fool myself.

When Hai Yan (Yolanda) came, we lost pretty much everything. I had this complete blackout inside of  me. We moved to Cebu and I've changed after that. But not for the better. 

I was starting to become this spoiled brat and I was taking my mother for granted. I began hating my life. I hated my mom for being sick. I hated my dad for being jobless. I hated my siblings for continuing with school while I sacrificed mine with work. I became selfish. I became rude. I became numb. 

And I hated myself for that because that was last image that I showed to my own mother before she passed away. 

I promised I won't act that way anymore but it was too late.

My dad struggled finding a job. He's getting old and the world demanded younger people to work for in their business. So I didn't quit my job, but I decided to go to school, too. I didn't get enough sleep and I barely eat. Of course, I want to to give up one of the other but I don't want to disappoint my father. I know there are people who are less fortunate than I am: with no job and can't even go to school. I'm thankful for what the universe offered to me. When my dad got accepted on a job, I was so happy for him. 

Everything seems to be fine since then. For now.

So if someone asks, tell them I'm fine. Because I am. And I mean it. And from the looks of it, I still have enough threads and needles to get me through life.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaand cut!

I seriously hate my diction. Don't you? Well, let's go back to my current mood. I hope that inspired you. Because that was my intention in the first place. If you feel down and sad and lonely I want to let you know that things will eventually be okay. Trust me. It will. Sssh. Wipe that sour flavor off your face. 

You know what I always say to my friends if they're down?

Don't. Lose. Yourself.



99 Red Balloons by Nena
Hey Jude by The Beatles
Reflection by Cristina Aguilera
Dead Inside by Muse
With A Smile by Eraserheads


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