To Karen

I realized I'm becoming so self-centered.

I talk about myself, my day and my life 24/7 thinking that it will make me feel better. But it doesn't.  I've come to recognize that it just makes me feel worse everyday. I can't listen to people's stories without thinking at the back of my mind that I have to say something about me because I feel like I matter more than them. I feel like I lack attention from the people who love me or claim to love me. 

The idea that someone cares for you is pleasing. And what I fear the most is when they stop caring and stop loving you because you changed or they found someone/thing better worth caring for. And I always prepare myself for that day because I don't look good when I cry. And maybe when the day comes and I'm ready, I'll just shrug my shoulders and say "I don't care." But I know deep down I do. Because I learned to suffer in silence and be alone. 

People say it's better to cry on someone's shoulders because it somehow lessens the pain, but I don't know if crying on your own shoulders has the same outcome. Sometimes I think I've carried my pride to high and tell people I'm fine and I don't need help. But I wish they'd resist that. Because I can't easily say "Help me." or "I'm not okay." considering I don't want to be someone's problem. Every time I make someone feel like they're not alone, I become lighter because I made them happy. And I crave for that kind of happiness. I want someone to do that to me, too. But I intimidate people and prevent them from doing it because like I said: I'm self-centered.

And I'm sorry.

'Til then,

Fix You by Coldplay
Guns for Hands by Twenty One Pilots
Ask Yourself  by Foster the People
Shake it Out by Florence + The Machine
Stan by Eminem



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