i didn't ask to be born

Trigger warning: death

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Lately I have taken the challenge of disciplining myself in several aspects of my day to day life. For example, reading. I felt that reading grounds me to be in the moment, and helps my brain exercise. Sometimes it gets hard because in my effort to make my brain read, it will wander off and goes to a whimsical part of my mind where I keep all sorts of things: my insecurities, unsaid things, a mental scrapbook of scenes and sounds I keep in case of emergency, and the ever-present inescapable: my mother. 

It's been ten years and I don't think this parental dilemma ends. It's hard to talk about it, especially to friends or people who still have their mothers. They don't know what to say, and I don't know what to share either so I found comfort in joking about it every chance I get. 

A month ago, a friend of mine lost her mom. I went to the wake, and we just sat there in silence--crying. To reiterate discipline, I tried my best not to make it all about me so I consoled her by listening and reassuring she's a good daughter and that her mom is proud of her. 

"Your mom is proud of you too," my friend said. I just smiled because I know my mom wasn't proud of me at all. When I went home, I also found myself sitting in silence and thinking about how silly I was for believing that everything I said to my grieving friend were not just echoes of what I convince myself and that once again - I had made it all about me. 

I didn't ask to be born and I don't like that I have to constantly find reasons not to cease to exist. The easiest and most narcissistic thing I can do is to keep producing things --  artworks and written stuff that strangers might find inspiring or helpful to their existence that they also did not ask for :) 

These things keep me sane but for the most part, mentally, I feel like I'm in a tightrope, always keeping my head high so I can reach the end, not even knowing what the other side even looks like and even more -- I don't even know what's below me. I never look down. I just have to I keep focusing on things that will keep me from falling: keep making art, keep writing, keep singing, keep listening to that song, keep doing my chores, keep working out,doing my job, keep being a good friend, being a good sister, a good daughter, keep showing up, keep being kind, keep looking for connections, keep feeling things, holding on to my inner child, keep thinking about mom..

My mom didn't ask to be born. 

I don't blame her for being pessimistic about her illness and being angry at life, at us, being angry at me. 

"In another world.."

No, Kyla. The other world doesn't matter because you are in this one, and I am so sorry that you had to be here. 

I will die. I have no choice and I already started grieving. 

As I'm growing older, I learned how to do it gracefully and carefully so I don't come across as an asshole or a bitch about it in public. 

Discipline.

LOVE,

PLAYLIST:

Today, you get more than five songs and get a real playlist - LINK