are you processing anger and hatred

This draft was sitting here for a while and the only thing I had ready was the title. Surprisingly, the reason why I'm writing this now is because I am mad. I guess you can say that my past self may have predicted this moment.

Or I am perpetually trying to hide all of my anger.. shining, shimmering, my fury simmers unseen. 

[proceeds to twerk to Lil Wayne's How to Love]

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Hello.

I was feeling sleepy 15 minutes ago but then I found myself crying on my bed because of weird comments my dad keeps making about me and my life. Usually these types of things he says, I can easily brush them away. But I think I have reached a point where I don't like hearing them anymore. It's always the same comments too -- me gaining weight, how women are weak, and asking me about marriage and children.

I love my dad. But sometimes I feel like he still carries the curse boomers passed on to him. I don't blame him either because the type of content he gets on social media and on the internet is biased toward the stuff he already believes in. 

Everything he says hurts.

But all of these bottled-up emotions stem from something else that happened in the past few days before my dad came to visit me. My friends came over and we all went to this music fest.

And gosh, all I could think of was how much unmyself I had been the entire time. This is, of course, mostly my fault. It seems as though I've been too comfortable being on my own that hanging out or even dealing with people forces me to create a persona that has to represent the "me" they know. 

I hate that person. I don't like her at all. And I know how my friends would say, "Oh come on, you're being too hard on yourself.." 

Am I? 

I think I am but in a way that they don't see. 

It's easy for me to let go of people and to outgrow relationships but is it possible that I am the problem here? (Yes) 

Unrelated - I haven't watched this, should I? 

When did friendship and relationships become this hard for me to do? I used to be good at this. 

I love my family and I love my friends. But I think there is an untapped emotion that I always avoid which makes talking to them extremely unbearable. And to add, it's even unfair to have expectations from them when they don't know any better because I never expressed it and I always suppress most of my feelings. 

The best I can do is make a joke about it until it doesn't feel like a big deal anymore. But gosh, every single moment I find myself alone with my thoughts, it's always, "Why the fuck did I say that.." or "Why are you pretending that that was okay??"

And then!!!!

And then it reaches a point where I hate myself for even overanalyzing my feelings and scrutinizing the root of all this inner drama.

Maybe there are things I thought were healed and it wasn't? Maybe I thought I had to heal one wound but in reality, I have, like, ten or something. Have I been doing a terrible job of taking care of myself? 

Ugh. I hope not. 

I mean it's not the end of the world, I always have time to realign my..chakras. HAHA Pfft! See? I keep making jokes. Look, I am not sure anymore. But am I making sense? Do you sometimes have moments like this?

*it's okay to feel this way

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My boss keeps telling me to always take care of myself and set boundaries with my clients. She's so sweet. I guess what she's saying applies to how I also run my life. 

Maybe I am not doing a very good job of setting boundaries in the real world. Living alone is great, really, but the second I get the chance to mingle with society, I jump into the water immediately without checking in with myself. 

I have to socialize, I need it.

Yeah, yeah but do I want to?

Gotta process this better.

LOVE,

PLAYLIST:

Fantasy by Cosmos Midnight

Never Forget You by Noisettes

Mind Over Matter by Young the Giants

Outta My Mind by chlothegod

There Will Never Be Another You by Chet Baker