radiating love

There was a brief moment when I thought lying on the carpet and suddenly feeling the urge to make a peanut butter sandwich was the highlight of the last four months of my life. The truth is, the real highlight is the waitress noticing I was in this café for too long, and that maybe I needed a glass of water.

I thought living alone gave me a reason not to be angry at people and to find zero reasons to be angry at life. But nothing much has changed when it comes to that. I casually come across a sprinkle of annoyance, but nothing that boils my blood. The constant (and recent) thing that annoys me is the barbaric noise on social media. I just wish people would shut up and actually do the work instead of spending too much time and attention trying to win an argument. I also wish they'd cultivate and pour more energy into building compassionate and kinder Pinas. Instead what I think they’re doing is nurturing the possibility of another generation that will hate one another. 

Hard pill to swallow: I am part of the system and sometimes the best I can do is stay inside a café for a really long time and ask for a glass of water.

For what it’s worth, I think my saboteur is hibernating, or at least too lazy to even bother with the shit I'm doing. Lately, I’ve been less doubtful, and more headstrong. I’m not exactly sure if it's because I haven't fully nestled here yet or if I've outgrown that part of me already. I am low-key rooting for the latter.

I would like to point out that one of the biggest influence in this little character arc of mine is RuPaul’s Drag Race. I’ve been watching random seasons since I moved to MNL. The way Ru gives advice to queens is respectable and to be honest. It’s not that he made me do things that I didn’t think I could do. It was more of him reminding who I am. Being true to myself had always been a value I embraced and encouraged but maybe with stress and worrying too much about what other people think—I failed. So I am grateful that I found some sort of epiphany in this reality show. My friend would even make a sly comment that maybe in my past life I was a drag queen. When that was mentioned my brain recalled the Hindu teachings—the Brahman is present in all living things so therefore RuPaul is me and I am RuPaul. He pushed me to make room for more kindness and cancel out all the insecurities I have and to slaaaaay.

Another wish of mine is for people to emulate the same thing: to be themselves. It takes a lot of guts, and I hope you muster up the courage to do it. It will hurt but it will be worth it.

LOVE,

PLAYLIST:

Supremacy by Muse
Irvingsquarepark by Moziah
Hymn for the Weekend by Coldplay
Shit by Bo Burnham
I Like It Rough by Lady Gaga