blooming is not awkward at all

I miss writing about my feelings. 

With all the excitement and growth The Love Club had been experiencing, I've spent a lot of time on social media. And despite the fact that I post a lot of stuff online, they're rarely the things I want to express. I'm not saying I have been lying, it's more of me trying to not say anything at all. 

That's the thing about me, actually. I love talking about everything I can think of -- everything I am feeling, my thoughts, what I've learned -- which is why I keep journals. Storytelling (aka talking about my life) is in some way a kind of healing for me and to be perfectly honest it helps me grow. 

Writing on this blog is another kind of relief, almost oddly more therapeutic because I not only get to write about the things going on and on inside my head, I am also certain someone else is reading it the moment I publish it. Come to think of it, everything on this website is just written speeches where I hope someone else feels or thinks the way I do, and thus making them feel like they're not alone.  And vice versa.

I miss that. Don't you?

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HELLO! 

How are you? How much have you bloomed since the last time we spoke? (I am aware that I'm the only one speaking, I'm just being polite. But it's nice to think that while you are reading this, you are answering my questions inside your head.) What have you been up to?

I was in the mall the other week and I saw a friend I haven't seen in a long time. So like any surprising interaction, we threw a lot of questions to each other. She caught me off-guard when she said, "You haven't been sending out newsletters, why?" If you were my friend (which I think you are anyway), you'd understand if I'd say stuff like "I was busy" or "I was focusing on other things." But if you really know me, a more believable answer would be "I'm lazy". 

You might think, well you have been productive somewhere else. True, but in the past few weeks, I have been doubting myself. Usually, when moments like this happen, I freak out and kill the feeling directly from the source. End it. Immediately. To top it off, I'd even sprinkle some self-pity and self-loathing, you know, just to complete the entire show. But my oh my, I am not that person anymore. 

I cringe at my past self and am proud of the me now. This woman handled it gracefully, you know, like how prima ballerinas steal the show with their fluid and beautiful gestures. Also like a prima ballerina, my foot is probably bleeding and I am in pain. Here we grow again, and growing hurts. 

For context: I wanted to end The Love Club. For someone who's watching the show, you might think that it's still baby, and I am still taking care of it, or nursing it, whatever. But the thing is, for me, it's not a baby, it's me. So now I have this dilemma of whether I solidify all that I am -- my values, my vision, my goals -- and stick to them forever, OR let them loose and lead me to the unknown. This is where the graceful part comes in where I lied down and cried. Sophisticatedly. 

What does that even mean???

It means you blame no one -- not even yourself -- for anything that is happening to you, and instead, realizing you are human and understanding why you feel that way. That's how you cry sophisticatedly. You can quote me on that. (I don't get how society always steers away from the topic of crying. I mean, crying is what humans do best, you want to know why? Because we're the only living thing that does it.)

Anyway, after that, I resolved my problem and decided to do both. I am not ending The Love Club, but I am afraid it has to grow. I will hold on to my goals and at the same time, assume that they will change without warning. Because who am I to know what future Kyla wants. The only thing I am sure of is now. So I guess I have to do my best at any present moment in any given situation. My best could range from grand actions to ones that don't even require a lot of effort. 

I'm comfortable talking to you about these things because I don't know you. Maybe I know your name but I don't know you, and I don't know how you think. I do hope that every time you finish reading stuff I wrote, a tiny seedling grows on your head and continues to bloom even without me in the picture. If something happens otherwise, human to human, I wish you all the best. 

And hey - thanks.

LOVE,

PLAYLIST:

Have You Ever Seen The Rain by Creedence Clearwater Revival

Set You Free by Kyla la Grange

Dad Dancing by Goodnight Goodbye

Can't Stay in One Place by MOZIAH  

Life is a Rollercoaster by Ronan Keating