i can get higher

Trigger Warning: DEATH

I’ve been thinking about death a lot. Not in a grim way—because it doesn’t really take away my energy. At least not anymore. I think about death a lot because every day I try to be ready for it. Every time I wake up I tell myself this will be the day I’ll die. Every day. Since then I’ve been seeing things differently and some of the views aren’t really pleasing. For a long time, I was scared, and noticing it prancing in and out of my mind bothered me. Some friend told me a bad spirit might be living inside me, and that I have to try really hard to get rid of it. When friends tell me that I just nod and pretend what they’re talking about. The truth is, I don’t know what they’re talking about. And it’s okay, I guess. 

They don’t know what I’m talking about either.



Welcome to Drunken Monologue. What are you drinking?

You know I feel like it would be really cool if I turn this into a podcast. I bet that would be fun. I can invite guests over, and let them talk about anything they want to talk to ramble about. Or I can also not invite anyone and just be very vain. Like now. I will be extremely vain. And drunk.

Hmm. Where do I begin? So many things have happened. I feel that someday, I’ll be super lazy and just scan my journal entries. This newsletter was meant for me to write a lot, but it occurred to me that with or without this project, I will still be writing a lot. Do you still write in your journal? If you don’t anymore, let this be a sign to get back into it. It’s fun. It’s like hanging out with yourself. I’ve been doing it since I was, I don’t know, ten? My mother would hate it when I start writing in my diary. Ugh. She thought writing was my form of rebellion to her. Gosh, I wish my mom trusted me more. But anyway, people who have owned and still own a journal right now: do you ever not write for a really long time then when you do, you write a fast-paced montage-esque really long run-on entry narrating everything that happened in your life??? Yes? 

Back to death.

I know it’s a taboo of some sort, but I wanted to talk about it. You see, I don’t want to die yet. Let’s start with that.

I try to be ready, I try to face it with poise. But deep inside, I can't deny the fact that I don’t want to die in the near future. Or in a few weeks. This 2021. And here’s the thing—I know it sounds stupid. Even for me, it is! 

I think my obsession to change the world made me too stubborn, and honestly, I sometimes don’t like this part of me. It’s like a different kind of overthinking evolved into this hilarious paranoia that I may not be able to do something consequential in my lifetime. So I do my best every time. I don’t see right and wrong decisions anymore, I see them all as consequences, and I just do what’s best for the circumstance—not just for me, but for everyone. 

At least when I die, I know that I gave my all. 
And maybe when I find out I’ve done everything already, I’ll go poof and disappear.

But for now, I guess I’ll stay and take my time. And try to live.

I strive not to overwhelm myself with these thoughts but sometimes I fail and wander into somewhere dark. A recurring theme in my life deals with seeing the big picture in every situation, and I was made to believe that it looks like this gigantic painting of everything that’s happening at the same time. But it’s nothing like that. It’s a whirlpool of horrible, mesmerizing, and humongous paintings of everything happening at the same time. And for a millisecond or two, I wander there. And it’s all so strangely beautiful and beautifully strange—I can’t explain it.

I’m drinking Cerveza Negra, btw.

Have a great weekend, you. 



Origami Lover by Gold Spectacles
Honey by Moxie
Henny in the Hamptons by Bren Joy
Digital Love by Daft Punk
Wobbly by Ezra Furman


  1. Hey, there! I also feel like talking a lot about death. I hope you don't mind me sharing some of my thoughts here.

    So here's what I thought recently, what if the concept of life and death that we have today is actually in reverse. That the reason no one has ever truly found the universal purpose of life is because we are all actually dead. And to have that universal purpose in life; to have life; to be alive, is you have to die first; by being dead; by dying.

    Uhm, I guess that would be all? What I said might be a little unrelated to your blog post, but I hope you somehow understood what I said—because I am a bit confused with myself. I don't know.

    Good night.

    1. Oh, and one more thing. I like how your blog posts made me feel like I am speaking with my own thoughts. The way you write is really introspecting and neat. You should try writing a story!~


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