Growing Hurts

"I'm a yellow boat. Sinking."



In the past three months, I have been living in Siargao. It's a stranger island considering the fact that I've never really been here before. My partner and I decided to move here to get away from the city. So far, we're doing an okay job but feel homesick sometimes, which is expected from people who migrate.

The thing is, what pushed us to move here is sort of funny: we got laid off in our previous jobs. It was shocking, really. And mostly depressing.

"Fuck it! Let's move to Siargao!"

It was, of course, hard to tell my family because it was an out of the blue idea. But later on, they were cool with it.

Thus, here I am-- a humble potato who's trying her best to surf.

Anyway, in this so-called adventure we have, I developed a kind of negative energy over myself and for people. It's a strange feeling because I have never been like THIS before. It's a version of me I never knew existed. It's annoying and believe me, it drives me nuts.

I have been scared lately of what I become and what I'm doing and sometimes it makes me feel mad. And when I'm angry, I become mean to people, to my boyfriend and to myself. It's exhausting because strong emotions like these are hard to control. It may sound so simple to take a deep breath or think about happy thoughts but no-- it's not that easy. Especially when my heart beats aggressively making me want to destroy something or just crash down.

I need to learn how to calm my tits down again.
So I meditate. Exercise. Take long walks.  Listen to everything.

Most of the times I'm ahead of my flaws and sometimes, well-- you get the picture.

It's quite silly. What I did and where I am now. If you try to think about it-- it is kind of stupid and crazy. I'm sure when people get lost, they do the most unexpected things. From my point of view I don't really know what's going on or what page I'm supposed to be in.

Back then I was so sure of where I want to be. Now everything's a blur. Sometimes I just keep painting pictures of what I know how things should be. If I don't want it to go one way, I steer to another direction and paint again. I'm not afraid of imagining how everything might look-- I'm just scared I run out of paint and reasons to get some more.

Which is why I hang on to things that might help me get back on my feet again. I hang on to my hobbies, my aspirations, to people I trust and love-- I hang on to them because they remind me of who I am and what I'm supposed to be [?] They guide me to places and experiences that I know would help me become better. And yeah, it is sort of hard to accept the fact that most of myself isn't the same. Or most of the things I believe about me doesn't make much of the truth anymore.

But on the brighter side of that, I guess it made me conscious to what I've been missing out?

Or that Taylor Swift was right about being 22?

Happy, free, confused and lonely in the best way..?
Miserable and magical..?

(Not a fan)


I don't know. Growing hurts.

I'm sleepy now.


I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues by Alessia Cara
Ilaw Sa Daan by IV of Spades
Thunder by Imagine Dragons
Tiny Dancer by Florence + The Machine
Sunflower by Rex Orange Country


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