Reason Why I'm Still Alive

Depression is a mental condition or state of doubting yourself. It highly affects your performance in life-- causing you to be guilty, sad or unenthusiastic. This condition is not something to be joked about because this is mainly the reason why some people take their own lives. Almost 800, 000 people die each year due to suicide according to World Health Organization and in proportion to that, depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide. 

It could happen to anyone and the most ironic thing is that most people who suffer from depression are good at hiding their feelings and pretending they're okay-- they laugh out loud, relay positive messages and smile often.

  

If you know someone who threatens to kill themselves even if they sound like they're joking, please take this seriously and pay attention to them.

Emotions kill more people than diseases.

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Out of the way people, late blog post coming! 

Haluuu!

What's up, lovers? I'm doing fine myself if you're wondering. Although for the past few weeks, I've been in hell due to a lot of productions for school; documentaries, music videos, radio drama, radio plugs, TV newscasts and short films! 

And I'm so glad for it to be finally over!

This means it's summer and it's time for...
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INTERNSHIP!

That's right! 

For the next two months I won't be on vacation, instead I'll be on-the-job training for a Bisaya magazine and a local TV news station. I would probably fvck up because I'm lame in the Cebuano language. 

Sounds fun, right?

Geez, who am I kidding?

I'm a nervous wreck. 

I've gone to the point where I've lost interest in everything that I'm usually excited about; I don't paint anymore and if I do, I paint stupid portraits that doesn't even look presentable-- I'm so ashamed of it that I throw them away because I can't stand looking at them. I don't read books anymore and I have a pile of unread novels on my bookshelf. I can't write fast! I mean, seriously. I'm a month late for posting this! I don't have the energy to work. I can't sleep well. I cry a lot. I look terrible. I get bored easily and get tired easily. 

I am seriously unproductive. 

And not just that-- I don't feed myself properly. I am usually mad at the smallest things. I'm paranoid and I worry a lot. I'm irresponsible. I curse a lot and I find reasons to hate someone or something.

I've reached the borderline of giving up na. I'm tired of looking at people disappointed in me and shaking their heads because I basically did not meet their expectations.

I feel useless.

*

 

When I went to Leyte to attend my batchmates' graduation, I've came across my ex-professors. Shocked, I didn't know some of them will recognize me. But there was this one specific professor that I idolize a lot. He was my Philippine Literature teacher and when I saw him, my heart pumped so fast because I'm looking at the man who've been a big influence of who I am-- he taught me to be more humane , loving and understanding people & appreciate the beauty of simeple things-- anyway, he looked back at me and his eyebrows raised. He smiled and said my last name: "Estoya!"

I showed a shy smile and he approached me and he offered to shake my hands. He asked how was I doing and when I'll be graduating and all that-- I muttered short responses and he smiled and kept nodding. Then he said something that made me rethink and pause:

I'm proud of you and I believe that you'll be a greater person someday. [In Waray, of course.]

Then he said he needed to go and left me there asking myself if that actually happened or not. A lot of people have recited those words to me before but it was the first time they sank inside me. I mean, the fact that it came from the person who insulted me and pressured me to write better or be better in life-- it just seemed more denser.

For what its worth, there were some teens whom I don't know and they looked at me like I'm some kind of star. I find it funny actually- how they say they're "star-trucked" and "shy" when they meet me because I see myself as a total nobody.

Meeting people and hearing from them that I inspire them sounds-

*****KNOCK ON THE DOOR FROM YAYA*****

*****SNACK BREAK*****

*****TEN MINUTES LATER*****

That was sooo good.

So, where was I?

Oh yeah.

Meeting people and hearing from them that I inspire them sounds odd. To be honest, I'm flattered.

Really. 

Bashful, even.

 

It's uncanny how they see your disappointments and flaws as something to aspire them on whatever they're doing. And it's even weirder how they see your strength as something they really admire. I mean, I get tired of being called 'strong' but it's different when it comes from people who aren't doing a pep talk.

[Come on, 'cause you can obviously tell which is which.]

 

Okay, uh- realizations: some people count on me. 

What I do may be disappointing to some parties but others don't give up on me. And I'm not just talking about me regarding this-- you have those fans as well. Somewhere, someone is counting on you and probably sees you as a role model. You might have influenced a lot them to be better or bad (hopefully, better). The point is that when you feel like you're a mess or in the verge giving up, think of them.

Because it's a chain reaction; your joy makes them happy, your depression makes them sad, your perseverance makes them determined and your passion makes them compassionate of the things around them.

And that makes you a hero.

And heroes make the world a better place. 

So, yeah-- you're a hero.

And I'm someone's hero. Cool, right?

LOVE,
 


Learn To Fly by Foo Fighters
Celeste by Ezra Vine
Farrah Fawcett Hair by Capital Cities ft Andre 3000
Burn by Ellie Goulding
Sing a Happy Song by The O'Jays